Self inquiry

 I turn 61 this weekend. That's not significant in and of itself, other than just surviving to this time.

I have been contemplating several issues in my life, as a musician and teacher.

Given: my work takes in a wide variety of areas. There are my various "jazz" groups, such as Thoth Trio, OPEK, Book Exchange, Flexure. 

More improvisational groups over the years, such as Morphic Resonance, Dust and Feathers, Throckmorton Plot, Sound/Unsound.

Groups that interface with tradition: Coal Train, Bombici, again OPEK. And Thoth. And others. 

This is to say nothing of my solo performances, or the Pittsburgh Composers' Quartet, or a variety of other groups I've done over the years. 

Then there are noisier collaborations, such as with Microwaves, Brown Angel, Spotlights. Mark Michelli, pianist for the Pittsburgh Composers' Quartet, asked me how I felt and enjoyed working with these groups. I love it, for one thing it's such a break from what I do otherwise.

My self-inquiry is, what do I do well? Am I offering something to all of these groups, or am I fooling myself?

I'm not passive-aggressively asking for validation through this blog. I'd say it's more self-therapy, though I'm wary of self-absorption.

I have been teaching at Carnegie Mellon University for some 18 or so years now. It's no less than twice as long as any job I've held. Some people (mostly men) hold on to a job for 35 years! Thing is,  I have little enjoyment in the position now. Sometimes it's great, and I get to interact with smart and wonderful people. (My 8am education credit today.) Sometimes I question why I need to be there. (My 9 and 10am classes today, the latter of which fewer than half the students showed up). 

Are they just as well off with an AI chatbot?

I know myself well enough to know that I could never sit in one place musically, my own interests are too broad. 

I can think of two models: Miles Davis and Sun Ra. Miles: he was constantly shifting, constantly moving. If you know his work, you can probably hear a recording of his and place it within a few years. 

Sun Ra is more elusive. His early work can definitely be placed in a particular time frame. When he reaches the early 70s, he draws on everything to that point in his performances. Could be 50s, 60s, 70s, or none of those. 

I'd say I'm more sympathetic to the latter, but I appreciate Miles' determination to keep moving.

I'll add to this, why does anyone need to be one thing? If nothing else, I refuse that. Nonetheless:

What do I do well? And let's assume I can figure that out after all these years. What if that is something that almost nobody wants to listen to?

What am I doing? Why am I here? And am I partially excited that I can't answer those questions? 

I have some serious issues to contemplate this summer.